Unlike property, stocks, savings accounts, and basically all other assets, the car can technically be one of the worst investments you can make. The minute you drive the car off the lot, you’ve already lost 15% of the value you just put on just because you’ve driven it 5 miles.

Now I’m not going to rant about how you shouldn’t buy a car, because everyone needs to get around, but once you buy a car, adding some cheap chrome doesn’t make your car any more valuable. In fact, modifications actually can decrease the value of your car.

Let me explain, about a month ago, I got woken up at 2am by what I could have only imagined was a jet flying overhead. The rumbling shook my windows, made the most god awful sound, and caused a few car alarms to go off. When I finally came to my senses, I realized that it wasn’t an earthquake, it wasn’t a jet, but it was the kid down the street bumping some ridiculous music to his highly modified DODGE NEON.

The noise was plain awful, almost as bad as the car looked. Seriously, this is the Michael Jackson of modified cars.

If the car wasn’t an eyesore enough, he had to disturb me at 2am on a weeknight. From what I can tell, he has a disability. I am about 90% sure he is color blind, and has cases of dimentia, and also, he’s probably deaf. It could be the only reason that he has done to his car - There’s no other explanation.

Now, I don’t wanna brag, but I know for sure, without a doubt that my car can smoke this kids car, with little effort, and basically, without the embarrassment of driving a slow, shitty car. There are a few things that he has done, along with some others that really add no value, and for the most part, no speed to you car.

• Step Ladder Spoiler

  

  I can only assume that a spoiler that sticks off the car this much is used as a step ladder - I just can’t figure to what though. To the roof? To God? Where does that step lead to? It reminds me of the staircase that leads into the ceiling. It doesn’t serve much purpose, and is just plain crazy, but kids these days seem to like these, for some reason. Maybe you can hold onto it when you’re Ghost Riding the Whip?

  Read the other 9 stupid car investments after the jump.
  

• Transformer Kit

  

  Last time I checked, if I wanted a racer-type looking car, I would just go buy one. What’s the point of buying a perfectly normal car, and then making it look like another car? ESPECIALLY when you’re not even gonna paint it? Since when did a white bumper and white side skirts ever look good on a bright orange car? I must have missed that memo.

• Engine Replacement

  

  Why would you put a more expensive, higher end vehicle inside into a lesser, cheaper, shell? It’s like putting a skinny, hot Jessica Alba into a fat suit and saying, well, she’s really really hot on the inside. So she may act, talk, and walk like a hot girl, but all we see is a fat, disgusting jabba-the-hut type woman. It doesn’t make sense, especially if you’re going to spend upwards of around 5k to get a new engine. Point? None.

• Loud Exhaust

  

  I did a little research on these MOTHER FUCKING exhausts and found that on the normal cars that they are put onto (Hondas and Acuras) they increase the power MAYBE to 5-10 HP. That will shave what, .1 second off your 1/4 mile time in which you will NEVER really run? What does it do besides point out to everyone that you’re a dipshit with an overly loud exhaust?

• Lowered Car
  
  Speed bumps, driveways, and drain dips were all made for the normal car to be able to drive without damage. However, when you must drive sideways and take up two lanes/the whole driveway just to get over the hump, doesn’t that… doesn’t that SLOW YOU DOWN? If these modifications are supposed to make your car appear faster, then wouldn’t having to drive sideways be counterproductive? Maybe not in stupidland I guess.
• Stickers

  
  

  I did read in the auto magazines that each sticker placed on a car adds 2-3 hp. So I guess I can’t say much on this one. I hear dragons and flames do the best.

• Neon Lights

  
  

  If I wanted to go to the club, I would go to the club. If I wanted to throw bricks, I would go find your neon blinking lights. What point do neon lights on a car serve? If they actually serve a purpose I will take this reason down, otherwise, you are a douche bag.

• Spinners

  
  

  I don’t really know what to say, I don’t know who they are fooling, but they sure aren’t fooling me. I know they’re not really spinning still, or at least I’m pretty sure they aren’t, right?

• Carbon Fiber

  
  

  Carbon fiber hoods go great with the white unpainted body kits and the decals. It really adds the, I don’t know how to match colors look to your piece of junk. It doesn’t really add much value except shed a few pounds from the car, but I guess when your car engine has the output of a large lawnmower, every little bit counts.

• The Whistle Tips
  
  Just watch the video - I don’t really know what to say about this one.

I swear, if you add these things up, you’ve probably spent about, $9500 on top of the price of your car, and you’ve made it go, well, probably not much faster. You’re better off saving that $9500 and the price of the car and buying a car that you dont have to do anything to and it will be faster. I swear, next time my neighbor comes by with that idiotic car again at 2AM - I’m going to go put 10 big “I AM A GAY DOUCHEBAG” bumbersticker all over his car when he’s out of town.

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